9/19/08

Some people call these flaws...

But no.

They're the good stuff.

I, humanoid Jackie S. Quire , am inherently flawed.

I am an emotional, (melo)dramatic fool. And it's uncontrollable, and undesirable, but a reality nonetheless.

Once upon a time, I blamed these personality traits on "being in love" - - told myself that up until that point I didn't cry, I didn't really go through the ups-and-downs... I was a normal human being.

But once I let that once emotion out, they all followed suit. Anger, jealousy, and worst of all, general, all-consuming sadness. Sadness over how inadequate a partner I was, sadness that we were never together. I can remember sitting on a set of bleachers at an unused softball diamond, crying because I was leaving.... and being utterly ashamed and embarassed because I had always (in my piddly naieve little mind) been "so strong," and I "never cried."

That seems so long ago now. To be fair, it's been 4 years. That relationship's come and gone... as have other fleeting ones... but what's stayed is what I've accepted as my inherent flaw.

My relentless "feelings."

Such prickly little things. That nag at my every thought and action. They've become all-consuming and no longer are neatly filed in categories of "anger, jealousy and sadness" - they cross one another's boundries... and have expanded their horizons.

Of course there are good ones out there too. I of course do have my happy moments. I laugh, I love, I smile.

But it seems I'll never really get a true grasp on these guys. These emotions that seem so out of control, that I can't reign in, that I've been struggling to keep in check for years, but they keep squirming out between my fingers.

It seems like if I could just get a grip, that I could actually be "normal" and live my life like all you others do, even-keel and (dare I say) sane.

Dare to dream.

4 comments:

Megan September 19, 2008 at 6:23 AM  

I'm definitely not sane. In fact, sometimes I feel like I am going to fly apart and leave tiny pieces of myself all over my yard.

Kate Nova September 19, 2008 at 6:30 AM  

Sing it sistah, I'm the choir.

Mongoose September 19, 2008 at 10:46 AM  

I really doubt it's uncontrollable. It's just a choice you're making. Try cognitive therapy and see if that works for you. Of course it will only work if you're determined to make it work, rather than determined to have "out of control" feelings.

Rob, Tina and the boys September 19, 2008 at 7:32 PM  

I'm with you in that choir. I bet if you look around there are a lot of us.