I hereby present post sent to me for this year's BlogShare.
For those who don't know....BlogShare is when a group of bloggers submit their names/blogs to write an anonymous entry that will appear as a guest-post on another blog. This was organized by the ever-incredible -R-... she's the only one who knows what blogger's written what... but I will post a list of the participating sites maybe tomorrow. There's about 30 or so.
Tina, Darcy and Megan are also participating, so make sure to check them out too.
I admit, I should have warned y'all about it sooner... but really, it's perfect timing, seeing as I'm still a giant snot-bucket.
Normally, I'm an incredibly social person- I have my close circle of long-time friends, and generally have a large number of casual "outer circle" friends that I can count on for a glass of wine or a quick bite to eat. I enjoy social activities very much, I'm not shy, and I usually can be rallied, even when I'm tired, to get out of the house.
But…yesterday I realized something that has been creeping up on me for maybe a year or so now: Due to my weeding out certain people for various valid reasons, losing touch with others (sometimes my fault, sometimes theirs), and not wanting to do a lot of the things I used to, I find that I am actually quite lonely these days. I recognized that it was happening at points, but I guess that I let other things distract me like family, work, and projects. It was a slow and deliberate process, yet it completely took me by surprise when I had that "ah-ha!" moment yesterday. A friend cancelled our plans at the last minute, and when I hung up the phone I realized that I had no one else to call. No one.
It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I started to cry. I'm not a weepy sort, but I think yesterday I just reached a "point".
My life lately has had a lot of drama in it that I don't want to go into here, and I guess that I had been so preoccupied with things that I forgot to keep cultivating my own life. My former casual friends don't even think to call anymore, or maybe they assume I'm busy or uninterested (as I have been), yet I'm lucky enough that I get to see their Facebook updates showing me what I missed out on. Yay. Me.
I've never been lonely before- not like this. I'm not even sure what to do about it. I don't have time to read lately, so a book club is out of the question. I can't knit. My husband and I have a few "couple friends", but other than an occasional dinner that's it for them. I don't have a dog to walk to dog parks. I don't have children. My job isn't exactly a pool of people I'd hang out with.
I just don't do any of the things or have some of the outlets that thirty-somethings seem to do/have to meet new people these days.
I think that most of all I worry that it's too late- most of our best friendships are born in our teens and twenties. I hear people say "I have all the friends I can handle/have time for" all the time. What if it's too late for me to fit into anyone else's life? What if now I am reduced to riding the city bus and striking up conversations with strangers? What if I've done this to myself and…that's it?
What if I am just going to be lonely?