Control

I learned something big about myself in Mexico.

And I'm sure it will come as no big surprise to you... or to my parents... but one of my greatest fears and challenges is not being in control. Of my life. Of the current situation... even of others.

You may remember I went on a bit of an adventure tour. One that took me zip lining, donkey riding and rappelling down waterfalls. It was great. And it challenged me like no other exercise I've ever done. Not due to a fear of heights, or a fear of falling, which I've always said I had. But for the first time in my life, I really had to put my life in someone else's hands.

The three hardest activities for me to do that day were: donkey riding, a short and fast zipline and rappelling down the face of a waterfall. The moment I swung my leg over that burro, I started to panic. My hands got sweaty, my pulse rapid. I understood what I had to do, how to get the brute of an animal to obey me... but I really wasn't in control. If he wanted to, he could barrel off in any direction. One wrong step, and we could careen down the mountain side, ass over teakettle (ha ha). It was all I could do not to jump off and walk my way. So I took a couple deep calming breaths. And I got through it.

But the worst, the absolute worst, was when we were rappelling down that damn waterfall. I have never, ever in my life rappelled anything. And we got – literally – a crash course minutes before going down for the first time. Of course they were trained. Of course they knew what they were doing, but in my silly little brain, it was the most terrifying thing ever. The rock face was slippery, and my sneakers were wet too, and I couldn't get hold. The only thing keeping me from sliding down at breakneck speed was my piddly right hand, that was supposed to gradually inch me down the steep vertical drop... and a guy at the bottom of the descent, holding the other end of the rope. As I slid, he coaxed, and reassured that he had some sort of mechanism that would keep me from dropping too far too fast.

It was terrifying. But it took me out of my comfort zone, which is what I wanted to do. And it taught me something about myself. That the Matrix "control freak" t-shirt I won back when I was playing high school softball was pretty accurate. Maybe a bit too much so.

So that's my biggest, most insurmountable fear. Lack of control. Or at least, feeling out of control. And Clare's comment on my last post was spot on. Not knowing and having no control over what is happening in my professional life is terrifying.

But I guess the only choice I have is to do the same thing as I did rappelling that waterfall ... or teetering on a foot-wide ledge in the Sierra Madre. It seems the only way I'm going to get through it is to take a couple deep breaths, and trust that person on the other end of the rope.

And hope to god they know what they're doing. Wish me luck.