MotherCorp orphans

I can imagine many of you are wondering what happened to the blog this week.

In reality, nothing happened to the blog. And really, nothing happened to me. I'm still here, I'm still alive, I'm just a little more... delicate than usual.

The murder has something to do about it, but I'm not sure how much.

The uncertainty with The Employer is definitely a factor.

I've been run off my feet in my personal and professional life...

And at a general at a loss for what to do.

First, the murder, and the post found below. The timing of the blog lockdown and my writing of that post was not coincidental. And I'm not going to delete any of the comments, because they are totally valid. But I will say this. I was very very very careful and very very very timid about writing that post. I spent most of Monday evening crafting it.

Because admittedly, I don't belong here. I don't understand all the dynamics of Northern living. I didn't write it to offend anyone, I wrote it to air some of my confusions ... and some of the theories others have on the topic. I reiterate: I don't know everything about this place. I learn more about it ever day. But there are some fundamental differences here vs. southern Canada, some I struggle with, and others I think people might find interesting.

After I got a couple comments on it, I shut the site down. Why? Because I was run-off-my-ass-busy. Because I was insecure in what I wrote. Because I felt like I had offended my readers-at-large and didn't want anyone to be exposed to my words. Maybe it was an irrational, emotional decision. But so be it. I needed some breathing space.

Second... and maybe more importantly... this is also a very scary time for me, professionally. I have said time and time again that I'm interested in leaving in the next year. I started saying that in the fall. It's now the spring. And now I am faced with a predicament.

While I wanted to move on... I wanted to do it on my own terms. I wasn't going to go an inch without a job on the other side. And I wanted very very very much to stay with the corp. I really did. Or do. But the world has changed, it seems.

It seems now I'll either have to leave on someone else terms... or stay "against my will". And I'm not sure which is worse. I don't want to be orphaned but I don't want to be confined to this one place. Some other day I'll write the "no I don't hate Rankin Inlet" post, but today is not that day.

Yes I have other options. No I have not explored them all yet. Yes there is time to do so. No I don't know what I'm going to do.

We don't even know how many jobs will be eliminated in Nunavut... we only have a vague idea of how many have to go in the North overall. I have no clue what will happen to this station beyond it staying open. That we have been promised.

And so I think most people in my will-we-won't-we situation would be a little... on edge. And I hesitate to infect you all with my poison thoughts, because that's no fun for anyone.

Frankly though, I'm just scared that if I'm here much longer than I planned I'll end up a very very very sour and bitter woman. A woman who DOES hate where she lives, who DOES hate her job, her colleagues, the politics of it all and so on. And I'm not that person right now, but I have met those people. And I don't want to be one of them.

But I do feel helpless and alone right now. And it sucks.

Welcome back.